Relationship Advice...

[McDoogle]

Ok, im in love with this girl who ive known now for about 3 years and loved for about 1/2 a year. We were really good/close friends and after i became sure iw as in love with her, i got the message across that i "fancied" her, but didnt tell her i loved her. From that day she'd been a little nervous around me and we weren't as close as before.

A few months later, i asked her out and it took her about 4 weeks to say no but then tell me she had reconsided and said yes. We went out for 28 days and she told me it didnt work out for her. During the relationship we never kissed, and we werent exactly the closest of couples, infact the most we did was hug twice which were both given by her, Mainly because i was too nervous to make a move. We also had a convosation about 3 days before we broke up about getting closer which may have put her off abit. She never really talked to me much or told me much of what she was thinking. And niether of us is any good at relationships because we've been in so few. We've actually got a hell of alot in common which she doesnt realise because she doesnt know that much about me, im willing to tell her but she wont lissen. Also, During the relationship, she had told her friends she thought she was also, falling in love with me but wasnt sure, she also regretted dumping me afterwards and whenever we went on dates, she always wanted to go somewhere where we were alone instead of more in public.

After that, she still wanted to be friends and i felt the same way. But her friends were telling me things which was going on etc and in one particular inccident, she was upset about something, and i ended up figureing out and confirming off her friends what it was, leaving it as something personal. Now the problem at the time was that i could never lie to her or keep anything from her which caused me to tell her i knew. Afterwards, she was particulary upset and still is because she thinks i was using her friends to get information about her because she thinks im obessed because she found out through one of my friends that ive been going to a anger manegment councillor and jumped to the counclusion it was all down to her. What she doesnt understand was that i never used her friends, but i was only conserned for her well being and her friends told me what was going on because they understood how i felt about her and wanted to help me understand her more.

To this day, i no long can have a convisation with her, even on the phone or through texts, without her starting a argument and me ending up with severe mood swings related to anger problems. She expects me to straight away know whats the matter with her just by looking or talking to her, unfortunatly, i can only do that to a curtain extent. Really shes expecting a Dyspraxic, non-expienced man which she never talks to or tell anything to to understand her 100%.

There was also one inccident in the past before i fell in love with her, as we were talking online with webcams, me and my friends decided to play a joke on her (as immature as it may sound) and tell her i loved her instead of this other girl of who i was in love with at the time, eventually she came out saying she "fancied" me aswell but when i came to telling her it was a prank she said she was simply playing along with it which i found hard to believe considering her reactions etc and the fact that she was again, never nervous around me for about 2 weeks.

Personally, i think she has got or has had feelings towards me but dont think shes ever actually loved anyone fully before.

What should i do?

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So far i got 1 reply from another forum....

Sorry, but the answer here is to move on. You're relationship with her is obviously too damaged and it can't be repaired if she refuses repair.

Your mistake was obviously not really showing her that you loved her when you had the opportunity. You said she hugged you but you just stood around and did nothing. That gives the message to the girl that you don't really have any affection for her. This had to strike her especially hard after your little prank... she HAS to feel that when you said you wanted to go out with her, you were screwing with her again. It took her a long time to say "yes" in the first place because she was wondering... and all you did was seem to confirm that this was a joke. She put faith in you and you destroyed that trust. I can understand why she wouldn't want to be bothered with you again and to make matter worse, you don't sound like you're capable of handling the situation with a good head. If all you did is get angry, you'll never solve anything.

Just try your luck somewhere else. Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them next time. Unless you can present her with something incredible that will make up for everything, you're wasting your time even trying to be friends with her. The fact of the matter is that you made a poor friend. It's best you admit that, accept the responsibility that comes with it, and move on with your life.

Any other advice u can give me? even if its to help me understand her more to make it easier to let go.

[speedphantom]

Hmm that is a difficult situation. You're only 15, and you're saying you haven't been in many relationships and that you're bad at relationships haha just because of that. I have only had 1 relationship experience and that was last year only. I'm 18 so you sound like you've had plenty of experience.

Sounds like you two have been through a lot. You should just sit her down to have a heart to heart chat and tell her exactly how you feel, explain every situation and then its up to her if she believes you or not. I've been heartbroken and had things go badly with the girl of my dreams so if all doesn't go well it will hurt but life goes on. Moving on is a slow process but it has to be done if things can't happen. Hopefully all goes well for you though. Best of luck.

[McDoogle]

Thanks, I've just sent her a email before trying to get her to have a talk with me so ill wait for the reply.

Unfortunately, I've tried multiple times before to move on, except every time i do start to move on it either comes back with greater force and i love her more or i end up hating her completely to the point where i wish she were dead.

[Rain]

My advice would be tell her exactly how you feel, from your heart, without holding anything back.

I'm not the best one to give out relationship advice, but I do know one thing, the worst thing you can do is nothing. Whether the relationship will work out or not I have no clue but you don't want to look back on this five years from now wondering "what if....".

[McDoogle]

yea thanks, ive been trying for ages now to try get across my point of view but i think what i need to do is get across that i know and understand her point of view and that i can work on it.

originally, i was hoping for some girls to reply to see if they could help me understand her point of view.

[SBJ220]

I have to agree with Rain on this issue, McD. All is fair in love and war, as they say, yes? Well, if that is the case, then you have to buck up the courage to tell the girl how you feel. I will be completely honest with you and say that I've never heard of a relationship that began at 15 lasting very long, but you seem to genuinely have emotion for the girl. In light of that, the best advice that I can personally give you is to not be afraid. Fear is the mind-killer, and all that. You understand? If you truly feel for the girl, then tell her. Going on a few dates and barely ever touching isn't uncommon, I suppose. But any relationship I've ever had that lasted near a month (which every one I've ever had has been a year or longer), we kissed at least once. I want you to do something for me. Look at yourself in the mirror. Find three things you like about yourself and then find three you like about her. No more No less. Go to her in private and tell her these six things. Tell her that her eyes are beautiful and that you hope to see them when you're playing football. Tell her that the little smile she makes when she's embarrassed is enough to bring a man to tears. Things like that, y'know? It's not about what you say, but how you say it. Always look into her eyes and remain calm. She needs to see that you are confident in your feelings and in your future with her. Even at 15, women are looking for comfort and security. You're not in any position to be buying her lavish jewelry or supporting her. So, the plan here is to show her that with your confidence and your love of her, you can comfort and support her. I hope this helped somehow and didn't sound too much like a Dr.Phil monologue.

-SBJ

[McDoogle]

Yea, it helped quite a bit actually :) thinking back i didn't really tell her much about how i really felt about her, apparently its the same opinion from a girl on another forum...


Of course it could be what Crazy Li said too, but do girls really jump to the conclusion that you're just "joking around" so quick? Especially if you're friends I'd expect the girl to know better than that, but I suppose it depends on what kind of persons you both are.
In this case, it's not just jumping to a conclusion. There's a lot of logic behind her thinking this. When you are victim of a cruel joke once, you're going to be more alert for it happening again. But despite that, she STILL tried trusting him and felt her trust betrayed. To her, it must seem like she did fall for it twice.

Or at least, that's how I see it. I obviously can't read her mind. I don't even know her. But just trying to figure how I would feel in a similar situation, these are the conclusions that I draw.

But IF the hugs were just forced and she didn't want the relationship to get serious, why would him not making a move bother her and cause her not to wanna even speak with him? The lack of affection would kinda be a good thing if that was her mindset. It would be when he started making moves that she would get worried and call it off. That's the only problem I see with your possible explanation. It doesn't completely add up when you take in consideration all the details he provided.

One other thing i realized is she always smiles and seems happy when really happy (mainly adrenaline rushes :S) she's never really seen the "true" side of me but i was always worried that it may go far with the whole adrenaline thing and go the opposite way for her. She seems to be able to tell when I'm that particular mood.

[Ulquiorra]

i think the person who's advice you posted in the opening post was correct, to an extent. It seems your relationship with her has been damaged too much to reconcile any form of romanticism between the two of you. However, that doesnt mean you should stop trying. My advice would be to sit down her, face to face (conversations about serious stuff over the phone and internet never sat well with me, as i prefer to have anything important said face-to-face), and discuss the issues between you two and how you two can fix them. That'll be step one towards repairing the relationship. Step two would be to find out whether you two are really over as a romantic couple. Ask her straight up whether or not you two have a chance again. If she dithers around the question, then she probably thinks it might work. If she flat out says no, I would say learn from the experience and find another girl.

[Jaws]

Alrighty ... from a girl's perspective then :

1. You should remember one thing about girls : We are complicated, most of the time we don't even understand ourselves, so don't be surprised you find it difficult trying to understand us. We like it when guys care, and do little things out of the ordinary for us, but most of us do not like it when you are needy or possessive. Be possessive in the right time and place, don't be possessive about every little thing ... ie. Be possessive when an annoying guy is hitting on your girl, but constantly checking on us when we are merely out shopping with our girlfriends only show you are insecure, and we do not like man who are insecure!

2. The most important part of a relationship is trust. How do you gain that? By your actions. You unfortunately is in a bit of a mess, coz' you played a little prank on her. Girls are sensitive creatures, we tend to over think stuff.
Your 'harmless' little prank might have caused her to think that she is worthless to you, and that you do not care about her at all ... playing such a cruel joke on a girl is damaging to her selfesteem, and it will be even worst if she already had a crush on you to begin with! If this had happened to me, I will forever have trust issues with every guy who tells me they like me. If you really want to pursue a relationship with her, start over! Forget about everything you did/or didn't do in the past, and start things over right. Don't rely on what your friends/or her friends say, can pretty much guarantee they are 99% of the time unreliable ... not saying you should ignore everything friends say, just saying you should confirm everything you hear directly with the girl yourself. I say best way of communication is through action, because words are merely that. You can talk and promise all you want, but without action, it means nothing.

3. How do you start over? Be there for her when she really needs you, show her you are dependable. Make it clear to her you are serious about starting over. Do little things for her, like leave flowers or notes at her doorsteps or something .... but don't stalk. If she doesn't want to talk to you now, don't force her to. Just leave her little notes of how you feel ... don't do it via msn or text or e-mail ... it is way too convenient, and does not show much effort at all. Might sound like I'm advicing you to do foolish things, but to tell you the truth, it is better to make a fool of yourself now, than to regret later on things you didn't do and could have done. If you truely did everything you can now to salvage your relationship with her, and it doesn't work out ... then you should move on ....

4. If you really love someone : You cannot and will never be able to hate that person .... you simply want the best for him/her. Sometimes, the best might not be you. You can always have a special place in your heart for that person, and remember this old saying : If you really love something, let it free. If deep down you know you are not right for each other, then don't go crazy, and force things to happen. It is far better to have the person remain by your side as a friend than to lose him/her completely. Who knows? Maybe somewhere down the road, things might come together again ... when both of you are more mature, and can better handle things.

McD ... by the sound of things, you are putting 100% of your heart into every relationship that you are in, but you do not know how to deal with it. The only thing I can tell you is that it is better to have the memories with her, than to not have anything at all ... so, if things still don't work out after you've tried, please do keep in mind it is not the end of the world, and you might not have met the right person for you yet.

[McDoogle]

Thanks jaws ;) really appreciated.

I do love her more than anything else in the world and will never make her do anything she doesn't want to, I hate loveless relationships so if she simply doesn't feel the same way, I'm 100% willing to let go. She really is my dream girl so i do find it hard to try and let go sometimes without knowing the truth.

I can understand her feeling crowded at times because i can act obsessive sometimes but if things do work out again between us, i need her to tell me things like that so i can help, and again, i can understand her feeling like she cant trust me because of the prank and personally it was the worst mistake of my life. Again, because i my self lack self as teem, when it comes to being there for her, she sometimes sits alone but I'm too nervous to go over and ask her whats wrong.

I think the reason why i felt i hate her was because of my anger issues, i recently had no real target to aim my anger at so my sub-counsous was aiming it at her because she was the one who recently hurt me so much. Thinking back, i remember the same feeling in my heart back then as i do now and did before. Lucky enough, i figured out its not about simply holding back to control your anger, u need to find a way to do it in your head, and I've found my way which was also similar to the way i help overcome lack of confidence. So it means that whenever i have a convisation with her in the future, we wont get into arguments and i may beable to move forward with everything.

I need to find ways to help her to trust me again so she feel more confortible talking to me about things.

But firstly i think i need to find a way to convince her to have a heart to heart talk with me. And anyway i can make up for what I've done.


EDIT!

And remembering back, i know she was a hell of alot happier in general when going out with me and was alot more of her self.

[McDoogle]

Well she seems willing enough to tell me the whole story in her perspective, whether or not ive cought her in a good mood is all remains to be seen... But it seems to be going good.

[Rain]

I'm glad to hear that you can still talk to her. Good luck McDoogle, I hope everything works out well for you.

[Llama]

I need some advise. Is it possible to make it to Dubai, or is it Abu Dhabi by next summer? I'll ask later. I'm only 17, have $200 in savings account, have $40 in the wallet, and need to get a passport/visa. Is any of this possible!?

[Rain]

Llama, it sounds possible. The big question is how much more can you save by next summer? If you can save another couple hundred dollars and get a passport/visa soon it should be fine.

[Llama]

Well I work at BK and make $7.50 an hour. And for an allowance I make $20 once a week.

[Rain]

If you save just $20 a week for almost a year, that'll be $1000, you should be fine. Good luck Llama.

[Llama]

Yeah thx, I'm scared, I don't know if I'll even do it.

[Jaws]

I need some advise. Is it possible to make it to Dubai, or is it Abu Dhabi by next summer? I'll ask later. I'm only 17, have $200 in savings account, have $40 in the wallet, and need to get a passport/visa. Is any of this possible!?

Why is this in the Relationship Advice thread? :headscratch
I am assuming you will be holding a USA passport in the future? If that is the case, then you can get VISA on arrival in UAE. Is it Dubai you are interested in or Abu Dhabi actually? Should be relatively easy to get to Dubai from USA, call a travel agent and get a quote so you have an idea of how much you have to pay for airfare. If you are travelling by yourself, I would think you'll have trouble since you are still under age, and you might not be able to get on board the aircraft .... even more trouble when you arrive at UAE immigration. lastly, do you need to pay for hotel? Hotels in UAE are expensive, and a safe calculation of the cost to pay for your entire trip will be around USD4000.00 ( Airfare / Hotel / Food ) ... a ballpark figure since I don't know exactly where you are flying from and to, or how long you plan to stay.

[Llama]

Because the trip is to meet her. And I will turn 18 December so I shouldn't haven't a problem after that. And I have no idea how long I would stay. This would be a life changing thing for me.

[Rain]

Llama, you trip is to meet a girl? I wish you even more good luck.

[Jaws]

Wow .... that is a mighty thing to do, especially travelling so far away, and to a country completely different in culture and customs :eek:

Advice coming from someone who is much older than you might not be to your liking, but I'm going to point out a few things, and you can perhaps do a bit more thinking :

1. Does your parents know about this? It would be rather dangerous to fly to a foreign country by yourself, culture and customs are different, and you might unknowingly do something that lands you in jail ( or worst ).
2. If I were you, I'll plan out everything before I actually plunge into this. Know exactly how long you are staying, so that you have enough money to take care of your stay overseas AND for emergencies. It is a fact that if you cannot prove you have sufficient funds to support yourself, you will be denied entry into a country. You also need to apply for an actual VISA if you are staying for more than a couple of months ... so, it's not that easy.
3. Do you really really know her? I mean, taking a holiday trip to visit a friend is perfectly fine, but if this trip means something more than that ... you need to think about all possible things that could happen. God forbid something should go wrong, and you are left alone in a foreign place ... what then? To be honest with you, you are far too young to be taking such a huge step.

I'm not sure about the legal adult age in USA ( you might want to check ), coz' in alot of places, you are not a legal adult until you reach 19 years of age. There is also the fact that UAE is a muslim country, and they have different laws. So, I will be very concerned if you are travelling alone.

To answer your original question of whether or not it is possible to save enough money for a Dubai trip : Yes, it is. Anything is possible if you work really hard at reaching your goal. The thing that is more of a concern is all the new laws governing air travelling and immigration ... that's where you'll really run into problems.

[Llama]

I actually appreciate your advise. And I've already taken into the consideration of what you said. I truly don't want to do anything stupid that would screw me over the rest of my life. Not a nice thought. I'm done here, thx.

[McDoogle]

Ive talked with her online and shes confirmed that it was right. Ive asked her if she wants or thinks we should talk more but not over email.

I feel unbelievable guilt knowing Ive hurt the one person ive ever really loved in one of the worst possible ways and knowing Ive most likely lost all chances wth my real dream girl.

[Rain]

McDoogle- I could be wrong, but I think that if this girl is still willing to talk to you then there is definite hope for your relationship.

[McDoogle]

LOL! i think she needs to sort out her anger issues as much as i do xD within an hour, her mood changed completely and she came out with...

Oh I know u don't deserve me, the only thing u deserve is a gay boy like u. oh and u were not missing with me feeling because I never had feeling for u. I would never hold ur hand if u was the last person on the earth. The only reason I went out with u was so I could get u off my back and I was going to bump u in like a week because I say I would try so I did and I know it wasn't going to work out from the being. I think we should keep talk on bebo because if I have to see ur face I will be sick. Oh and what the hell are u going on about: And please, if there is anything at all I can do, please tell me.

She's lucky i gained control of my anger :)

[Rain]

Sounds like she may have anger problems.

If she's that mean to you, even if she's just in a bad mood, maybe you should just move on, you deserve better then that (I'm assuming)

[McDoogle]

Well i haven't really done anything apart from that "theory" for her to act this way except love her.

[emoloz]

Ok i will give you my advice. I think its time you moved on. From the sounds of it this girl is messing you around and you deserve better than that. If she did love you then she wouldn't be sending such awful emails to you. I know you love and all that but am sure theres someone 100% better for you out there. I know it will be hard to let go and stuff but its the only advice i can give.

The only way possible i can see for you to get back with her is possibly trying to find out the exact reason why because at the moment i can't seen any direct route appart from loadsa lies made up thats infulenced her brain which to be honest shows shes not a nice enough person to find the real truth. I mean you made have made a little joke with her but still you have said sorry and stuff and she should accept that and not be the loser and making a big deal out of it.

[McDoogle]

Thanks for the advice everyone :)

I agree with you on moving on and i should find someone else but i have no experience with it all, i find it very hard to meet new people because im dyspraxic.

I think personally, i need to learn ways to meet new people to be able to get into a relationship.

[McDoogle]

And again she says...

Oh by the way I read the message wrong so I am sorry for that shit I said I thought u were having a go at me. I am not looking for an argument either. I never regretted dumping u after a month. Why did u always want to come over mine where there was only us two in the room? I am not going to answer that one. I never started to have feeling for u, my mam said I like u, and I meant I like u as a friend. To be honest I don’t care what Neil, Liam, Sean and every one else thinks, I had things going on and I am sick of taking the shit from Neil, Liam, Sean and every one else, so forgive me if I might be moody, that why I spend more time in the library because I don’t get the shit from them. Oh and what is dysphasic. I didn’t ask my granda for advice on insult I was at their house when u sent the texts.

But now its starting to get on my nerves.

[Rain]

I don't know the whole story, but if she's still saying crap like that then you're better off without her. I know it's easy to say, but still.

As for meeting people- I can't help you much here but my advice is that you can meet people anywhere, you just have to look and be willing to go for it (again this is easier said than done)

[McDoogle]

Well.... She's unblocked me on msn... don't know why but she has... the again, the other girl i liked has done the same :S

EDIT! : Nvm, ended up arguing and she blocked me again. To be honest, i feel the same way about her as i do with the girl that i like a few years back... past... which is a good thing really.

But this time i admit it was my fault because i lost trust in her...

O well.. can a mod lock this thread?

[speedphantom]

Yep, can do. Hope everything goes well for you, good luck:)

*turns key*