Stalkers

[Kolbertt]

How to deal with them?

Has it ever happened to you, that no matter how much time has happened, your Ex-couple still sends you messages, demands to see you, plagues you with threats and lurks everywhere you go?

It doesn't have to be an Ex-Couple, sometimes, someone gets an obsession with your persona. Be it because of looks, money, or simply cause they have this idea that, in their life, you are a PRECIOUS thing they must have...

When Legal issues do not put a stop to this kind of action, what is it you should do? I've heard the "Go on with your life" too many times already, but truth is, you cannot go on with a normal life, having a sick person getting behind your every movement. You can't have a normal life while having someone watching over your every movements, knowing your timetable, your friends and your relations -

Stalkers can indeed ruin your life, make you became Paranoid on everything going on - So, How should we deal with this sick people, if we've done NOTHING at all to get their undesired attention??

What are your thoughts and your ideas on this theme? - Cause trust me, it's a topic that CAN get out of hand in real life.

[LUV]

Kolbertt! OMG! No you didn't... :lmao

Well, I personally don't mind if someone is a bit obsessed with me, as long as they don't start trying to call me or trying to find out where I live, now if that were to happen, wow, I think I would go crazy. I would of course go to authorities, and if that didn't work, I would probably move out of state as far away as possible, change my identity and all.

I don't understand why people become so damn obsessed, I mean, come on, if you have a girl or a guy whom you like, but that person makes it more than obvious he/she is not into you, why would you want to stick around when there are potentially hundreds of other ppl like him/her? Meh, some ppl just need to get a life and stop obsessing.....

Now, if they are eStalkers, well, I usually avoid those a lot. I try to ignore their PM's or IM's, I try to be in invisible mode in MSN a lot, just so that they don't bother me...lol Usually some of them get the hint, but there are a few who are a bit persistent, and until this day, they still bug me every time I log on, its quite annoying.

[rayne_himura]

never had one :lmao
though im sure these people has a very unhappy unfulfilled life. in real life they feel inadequate, they were probably not that popular and they hide behind an avatar and feel of great importance to get somebody suspended. they are hiding behind a masquerade. its all a power trip for the underprivileged.

[Rain]

yeah i never had one but it sounds nice, lol j/k

Personally, the best way to deal with stalkers is IMO confront them

of course this doesn't work for all stalkers, and it should only be done when you're safe and could defend yourself, but i think confronting is the most important

you need to clearly show them you aren't interested, and if/when that doesn't work, you stalk them:fu dont just ignore it, continually confront him

[Luhy]

kay, I had a stalker a while back when I had first moved out to live on my own~ I moved into a crappy little studio apartment, and the 2nd day I was there, some girl brings over cookies from down the hall~ Over time, we ended up cooking and bringing each other food etc, then she started coming over to watch TV with me at night, we went to the movies a few times... Maybe like 3 weeks had passed or so~

Up to this point, we were really just friends, and I did like her and wondered if we could be a couple etc, but our friendship was just what it was, watching TV together and that first week where we shared some recipes... Whenever the topic moved to something meaningful, it just completely died, we couldn't click whatsoever x.x lol I could never really consider being with someone who didn't even really know me, when some people who know you perfectly, can still hurt you etc... You don't wanna commit to someone you don't know, and shouldn't want someone to commit to you that doesn't really know you~ She had started pretending to fall asleep on me too when coming over to watch TV, which was cute at first but got creepy fast... One night after wanting to just go to sleep, I carried her back to her apartment to kind of send a message hopefully... and when I layed her on her bed, she whispers "I love you" which I pretended not to hear... lol x.x I even bumped her head on her doorway and she still pretended to be asleep XP

After a month and a few days of knowing her, I had to move back with my parents since my dad had broke his back and they were on track to losing their house in PA x.x During this time, all she would do was ask if it was because of her and refused to talk about anything else ;x She started following me whenever I walked my dog, whenever I did laundry, whenever I went to the grocery store... After a while I started thinking that she must watch my doorway 24/7... I had caught her following me, hiding behind trees too... Eventually, I started telling her to stop, and it only made it worse... She started to say she was in love with me etc, which was kinda dumb... You really can't love someone that you know nothing about aside from the fact that they're nice and you like to watch TV with them x.x... She was obsessed with the idea of me and the fact that I was the guy she could never find... Later I would find out from her friend that she had a long history of abuse from her dad and boyfriends, so meeting a gentlemanly guy made her a nutjob really I guess... She was obsessed with the idea of me, not me, so imo, that's why stalkers... stalk... lol ;o

[beautiful_death]

I had a stalker my first year in a new city. My apartment complex was known as the "ghetto" of the city, and it was quite unsafe as it is. This guy met me at a MEChA meeting, he seemed cool at first, and mentioned that he was in the same complex as I was. Thinking nothing of it at the time, I brushed off his offer of hanging out with him (which I never did). Days later I see this guy FOLLOWING me from campus, and this continues for a couple of weeks. And suddenly, he comes knocking on my door, saying he wants to kick it. I had made the terrible mistake of telling him where my apartment was :facepalm, thinking that he was harmless. This continues for a week, with me behind the door with a knife every time he knocked. Luckily this guy stopped following me within a few weeks.

Eerily enough, I occasionally see him around campus. He's the president of the Green Party. :facepalm He still creeps me out after all those years.

When you're the target of a stalker, protect yourself as much as you can. Try to avoid the person, even if you have to go out of your way to do so. I cannot stress that enough, especially for women.

[CeriaHalcyon]

As someone who was once labeled as a stalker, i don't know if i can answer luv's question or not, but i will give you my account of my experiences. The person in question that i may have grown too attached to was a truly kind and smart person, she wasnt someone you would normally call beautiful, she wasnt a knockout by any standards and yet to me she was truly something. she was what i would call uniquely beautiful, as if only i could see her beauty and ironically enough, she was the reason i started to write poetry and then stories.

Throughout my high school years i was pretty much obsessed with her, but social anxiety kept me from ever speaking to her. I did dance with her once at a school function, and later on gave her a book of poems i had made which were inspired by her and others. The only thing i ever did was look at her. The courage to speak to her was something insurmountable, and when i gave her the book, it felt as if i was fighting against the weight of the world to do so, so naturally i never did anything rash or truly stalkerish, i merely watched.

I only learned of the stalker impression from a neighbor of mine who was a close friend of her.

In all honesty now that i've thought of it, i really don't know why i was infatuated with her, she was something special to me, i guess she was meant to be the the reason i started writing and who knows maybe that was all that was meant to come from our meeting.

I have talked to her occasionally since then and think about her every once in a while, but merely want to wish her well.

[Luhy]

mmm, i think there might be a such thing as... for lack of a better term... "good stalkers" and "bad stalkers" ;x

a good stalker is like Cerias story... they're kind of obsessed with a person, but they don't stress or hurt the other person... maybe just admire

a bad stalker would be like my and beautiful_deaths stories... someone who freaks you out, causes you stress, and makes you anxious every single day with worries... and stops caring about you and just wants their own greedy lusts fulfilled, whether they be emotional or physical or whatever ;o

[Riekie]

yeah i never had one but it sounds nice, lol j/k

Personally, the best way to deal with stalkers is IMO confront them

of course this doesn't work for all stalkers, and it should only be done when you're safe and could defend yourself, but i think confronting is the most important

you need to clearly show them you aren't interested, and if/when that doesn't work, you stalk them:fu dont just ignore it, continually confront him

Hmm, I am sorry Rain but such a 'light' perspective on this topic isn't always the best way of going around things.

Have you heard of that Jodie Foster stalker back in the '80 who shot I think the President to get her attention? Sick, isn't it.

That's what you here so often, stalkers stalking people into madness. Okay, these stalkers I am describing here are all insane, no doubt about it but i am sure there are more 'normal' ones around aswell as said by the others.

These stalkers will do anything to get close to the person they are obsessed with, even though it means hurting others/themselves/loved person to getting what they want.

I say; get yourself a restraining order, a few knives and a whole lot of shortcuts to get these people off your back. They are dangerous.

[aisuzieya]

i just wana share some of my experience. i hope it helps.

i have three stalkers in less than 3 years. yes i know it sounds so like urghh but yes, i had 3 stalkers. but i'll only talk about the 1st one who is very aggressive. he wud wait for me in front of my apartment until 2 am, follow me around everywhere (yes, everywhere) and many other things but the worst part is tat, when i get myself a new boyfriend, he started to threaten me. 1st,he came to see me and ask so many questions about why do i hv a bf, about my bf etc. after that he became more violent; started to drive his car past me like he wanted to run over me, stare at me like a hungry wolf, always waited in front of my apartment's gate late at nite and look at me like he wanted to rip my head off my body. i was soooo scared back then. so, i moved to my bf's house and stayed there. and thank God tat guy transferred to somewhere in europe after a few months.

its somehow hard to deal with stalkers esp those who are using violence to whether 'attract' our attention or 'install fear' in the victims. it is best if u can transfer to a new place. and u shudnt be alone. u must have 2 or 3 frens around u. besides, u must bring some weapons, or maybe a perfume spray if in any case there's an attack, u can use it to spray his eyes.

stalkers are human beings too, so they hv different characteristics and trends(how they stalk u). so must be extra careful esp to girls.

[Rain]

Riekie- i do remember that happening, although i dont remember many details from the event (without wiki:))

but actually to me that supports my idea (which i do agree isn't super-realistic, and hopefully optimistic)

He did that for her attention, so in a sense, ignoring him totally could have lead him to do it.

The only thing i can say for certainty is that if you just ignore a problem and hope it goes away is usually never going to work (in normal situations)

aisuzieya- im sorry you had to go throught all that. It sounds as if you handled it very well though

[Shdo]

aisuzieya- you should have called the police, this time you were lucky he was transfared but what if some1 similer will come or if he will return(he tried to run you over!)? next time you are stalked you must call the police and make sure the threat is gone. and on a lighter note, if you got 3 stalkers in 3 years that must mean you are very special, got a picture on 'post your pic' thread?

[aisuzieya]

Rain- its not easy. i try to make it look like one. heheXD

and yes i second that if u ignore the prob, and hope time will settle everything, it is so not going to work esp when u encounter an aggressive one. u must make a move 1st!

@Shdo - love is blind aite? heheXD and i hv so many reasons that i cant report to the police. the most obvious one is that im afraid he'll revenge on me if i had report to the police. so i tried my best to not appear in front of him.and thats why i stayed at my bf's place.

but i think the prob lies in me. 3 stalkers in less than 3 yrs is too much. i personally think i'm not good in handling guys. or is it maybe i live with abnormals here? XP

[Kolbertt]

@Rain: No offence, but Stalkers are NOT nice, nor a light theme ;p -About comfronting them, remember you are dealing with Mentally unstable people. You cannot really predict their moves or their actions from the way the acted yesterday - Sometimes, you cannot face the problem -

@Luhy: Agreed - There are NO "Good" or "Bad" stalkers. There are different kinds, like the paranoid, the ex-lover, etc. Some of them can be bearable, but soon turn into something scary, and CAN ruin your personal life.

@Ch1: Don't feel offended by any of my comments, the people I deal with are... "Zpecial" to say it nicely. You seem to be both rational and inteligent, something my previous stalkers lacked :fu

[Rain]

Kol- none taken

and although many stalkers are mentally unstable, i wouldn't say most are

I dont mean the person faces it alone (if its safe then sure, but its not necesary), but to just avoid the problem is a mistake IMO

Im not saying try to talk to them and come to a reasonable discussion. I mean confront them, show that you have no interest, and if needed call the police and defend yourself

No problem goes away by avoidence, and thats all i meant

[CeriaHalcyon]

Kol: None taken, i understand and take no pride in the fact i was once labeled as a stalker, It's a part of my life i'm not proud of, even though i really did nothing more than watching, i understand how creepy it must feel to know you're always being watched.

[iNSOMNiA]

I'm definitely not the best person to give any sort of advice about how to deal with stalkers... I had a really hard time making somebody go away.

I've known him as an acquaintance for years, but nothing more, and I guess he somehow got my number and started calling me, first a couple times a week and then a couple times a day. Whenever I would see him, he would give me things, and foolishly (and awkwardly) I would accept them, because I have a really really hard time saying no to people, let alone rejecting them.
I was absolutely not interested in him in the least, but I think I may have unintentionally led him on by accepting his gifts and phone calls. It got to the point where I would freeze in fear whenever the phone rang, but we had no caller ID at the time so I could never tell if it was him or not.

After a while of me telling my mom to tell him I wasn't home whenever he called, my mom started to catch on that I was getting a lot of unwanted attention from him.
My mom also happened to be a friend of his therapist, and although she was not allowed to reveal information about their sessions, his therapist told her that I should be careful, as the situation seemed to be getting dangerous and out of hand.

Then once when I was walking home from school, he somehow managed to corner me, but I got away. After that I started staying home from school, and my mom told me I had to tell him off. I had absolutely no idea how to handle the situation, and though I hate to sound conceited, I think I was way too nice for my own good.
Finally, my mother answered the phone one of the times he called, and told him off herself. I felt awful for involving her in the whole thing, but I was extremely grateful to her for doing what I couldn't. I don't know what she said to him, but he must have gotten the picture, because I haven't heard/seen from him since then...

I guess, don't let stalkers get out of hand... Try and deal with it in an early stage if you can.

[C.LeShay]

I saw the thread (as told by Laurie B.) and I just had to check this one out. I had a similar brush with one... it wasn't really threatening at the time, but more of an irritating experience.

I met a schoolmate of mine, one that I liked when i was younger. We exchanged a lot of messages on the phone just to catch up on what happened to us after we graduated. He invited me out for dinner, which I totally thought of as friendly. The experience was not that pleasant although it was not repulsive for me to actually leave the place. he just was a bit socially stunted and didn't know that he was bordering on insulting, so I told him to stop it or I was leaving. After that 'get-together' we continued to exchange messages. It was during these moments that I gleaned something from him that I didn't think was possible.

he has a 'shrine/memorial' of a certain actress he had a major crush on. he went on to say that this actress's photos were the first thing he'd see in the moring and the last one at night. I was a bit surprised, although as an anime fan, I had my share of fangirling - although not in the religious-devotion variety. Then... he started to pay more attention to me, saying sorry if he had been bad to me in school and sorry for hurting me. At this point I was confused, as I didn't recall him actually doing something terrible back then. I let it slide. Until he said that he would never do anything to hurt me anymore, that he was afraid it would make him lose me; that all his life, he had no one but the actress until me.

He told me to meet him at a certain anime store; I said that i was too busy to meet him; he said it didn't matter, he'd take his chance and wait for me outside the store. He told me he'd wait until it closes because he knew I passed by that shop often as I go home from work.

That was when warning bells sounded, so I decided to limit my conversations with him. I avoided answering some of his SMS. He started to call me, asking for my landline and my phone at the office. I told him I didn't have a private line at work and I was often too busy writing stuff at the office to entertain him. He started sending angry messages to me, complaining that I was stringing him on, hiding from him. Now, I don't even reply to my best friend's messages every time I got one, why would I make it any different with him? So i told him to stop contacting me for a while, I was busy. He agreed, but gave me a deadline. He actually gave ME a freaking deadline. I was to answer his call after 2 weeks.

Before the two weeks was up, I changed my phone and service carrier. This was when things started getting messy. He used my friendster account to SPAM me messages that I had to block him and remove him from my friends list. He somehow found a way to send messages, this time to everyone in my 'friends' list. My sister, my friends, my cousins in the country, in the United States, and Canada. Even my supervisor at work got one. I was called to his office and he showed me the pathetic message. He was actually begging them to help him contact me. That he 'wronged' me and he wanted to make things right. But the tone of the message said a different thing. Now everyone thought we had a relationship and I broke it off without his knowledge. He even told a classmate of mine that he wasn't going to let our 'relationship' end. That he was willing to do whatever it took for us to get back together. We only went out once for dinner, for crying out loud; what kind of relationship did we have?

Some say that maybe I had some fault in this, that I should have set him straight eariler on. But I really didn't know that he thought of me that way until I got the message from that said classmate. Besides, I was so freaked out that I was unable to do anything. I even had to change my route going home, as he knew where I pass every evening. Some of my male officemates even went out of their way to walk me to the bus stop so I would feel safe.

Fortunately, due to the fact that i changed my phone, I heard nothing more. He eventually stopped sending e-mails to my friends and family. I know this wasn't as bad as what other went through, but it made me paranoid for months. Everywhere I went, I had to check my back; and opening emails had been something i didn't relish doing. I really was lucky, at least he didn't physically harm me or anything. I guess it pays not to freely give information even to people you know.

[Shdo]

does he know where you live? and buy a mace.