Insane relationships

[Kolbertt]

You know, sometimes, people just goes on with insane relationships. Be it because of violence, constant fighting, cheating on each other, etc. The list goes on and on. But, sometimes, people decides to go on with this kind of relationships, even though sometimes they claim they are not even in love!!

In this kind of relation, people just go on hurting themselves, each other and all the people around them. what is it that makes them go on? and why do people even consider about going into relationships when they know they will fail?

Let's put a real example:
There is a friend of mine who's boyfriend is a sexist bastard that only wants to use her as a doll. Add on an unhealthy obsession with family and you've got a 17 year old boy who already thinks of proposal even when they have not reached a year of going out!!
My friend constantly complains about him and even ridiculices the idiot when she's got the chance, but at the same time, she continues with him!! The real shame about this all, is that she is slowly, but surely, changing from the girl she used to be into the "Ideal" girlfriend-

I don't really know how to see this anymore. Since she is aware that he is manipulative and a bit of a di--head (there are even cases of cheating in the middle of this whole story) and even though he has not touched her, he has already shouted to her in public places and made scandals.

Though a little biased :P, you can see the whole idea of the example. So go on, express yourselves and write what you think- What is it that makes people go on with unhealthy relations?

Don't know,

[Starwing]

Finding someone completely compatible is hard. And I usually don't think there's anything wrong with slowly changing to adapt to whoever it is you eventually end up with, as long as that person is worth it.

I guess the important thing is... can your friend's boyfriend change? It doesn't matter if he's initially a bastard, as long as he values your friend enough to change himself. My question is, if he's such a sexist bastard, why did he pick your friend to begin with, since she obviously wasn't originally his 'type'.

It comes down to what you value more; your individuality, or the happiness he/she brings you.

But if your friend doesn't really love her boyfriend, there are so many different reasons the relationship could continue on... pride, general consideration for the other party, fear of retribution, fear of being alone, fear of things not improving afterwards, or even just procrastination. Breaking up is nearly always nasty. Maybe she's just putting it off?

Too many women (unfortunately) are stuck on the idea that they can change their partners for the better. This is promoted through so many stories and television shows. It becomes unrealistic and a point of pride. One year is a little bit soon, depending. But if her partner doesn't tried to change himself for her, he doesn't value her more than his own individuality and it just won't work.

As long as no one's mental/physical health is endangered, I'm not sure fighting, and even cheating is necessarily enough cause to break off. If you value them enough, and there is, most importantly, realistic hope for happiness.

Being realistic is the main thing. If it's never going to change, drill it into her.

[Who]

My friend is also in an abusive relationship, though at the same time she is falling for this other guy. Basically the best you can do is support your friend, I suppose. Thats what I'm doing. However this guy claims he'll change for the better for her, and never follows through =/.

[Agmaster]

Personally, it's a boredom with this hodgepodge known as life. I've seen alot, done alot, and like to be paranoid. It's a comforting feeling knowing that I have adversity. Despite that, I am unversed in matters of the heart for the most part. But I enjoy a little mindfuck now and then.

Physical abuse isn't cool to me, though. Keyword here is abuse mind you. I've been raised in a setting where females have no problem popping you upside the head (open hand, relax) for saying something stupid or being popped. Popping on the head == slapping over the back of the head. Don't hurt the moneymaker until after you find true love.

As for her reasoning. I'd say it's low self esteem or he's got that bad boy charm I heard thrown around here.

[Sybile]

When I saw "insane relationships" I immediately thought of my long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. Sounds less bad than the exemple you provided tho, I really wonder why someone would put up with all this too...

But I think Starwing made a point with it being (at least partly) a matter of pride. Most people around me and my bf think this relationship we have is bad for us and (I hate to admit) they're not completely wrong. But we know they're not completely right either. Pride is one of many reason why we're still together; we wanna prove them that they're wrong, that yes, we can work around the bad stuff and be happy in the end.

But in the case of your friend, going from an unhealthy relationship to an healthy seems to be a feat a bit hard (not to say impossible) to achieve... And you say that she is the one changing now, and not for the better. My guess is that she's afraid of leaving him. A friend of mine continued in a bad relationship, that she knew was bad for her, for 2 years because she was afraid to actually quit him. And I kinda feel bad cause now I know she'd have left him sooner if I'd have encouraged her to do so...

[Rain]

Kolbertt, going back to your example

If the girl is happy with him (she knows of his flaws and accepts them), and your family just doesn't like him, then that isn't a debate at all. She should be with anyone she wants.

Answer to the more general question:

Just because we see those as problems in relationships today doesn't mean that its bad. it works for some people. Some people may look for a mate that is very opiniated/stubborn, so lots of fighting will happen.

what makes people go on is either a love for the person or the desire to not be alone, these are the only reason people have relationships at all, whether they are healthy or unhealthy

[debbiechan]

They don't change. They don't. Assume that they won't change and then ask yourself--can I live with/put up with/tolerate/co-exist with the lack of change? If so, great. If not, get the hell out of Dodge. Life is short. It's not worth investing in a relationship with the vague hope that it will change. I've seen women waste the best years of their lives wishing for a change that never comes.

Advice: VALUE YOURSELF. Don't put up with any abuse, physical or verbal. Just don't. No matter how much he claims to care for you.

[Kolbertt]

Rain:
It was an example I added for making the topic understandable. And sure, she has the whole freedom to do what she wants, it's just that the way she acts the way she started to change that makes me wonder if she is really becoming the way she is because of this crappy relation. And my family has nothing to do with it .P What I meant with "unhealthy obsession with familiy" is that the boyfriend tries to add her to his family, get engaged, married and have children in less than a year of going out

Maybe it is, as you've said, this fear of being alone... but then, is it better to be alone or go on with this kind of relation?
I personally think it's kinda unhealthy, since, let's face it, if it's fear of being alone, then you'd end up being a dirty slut queen (Could'nt avoid making the SZ joke .P) going from one person to the other... but then again, it's the way I think.

It's just that I can see her really ruining her future, (I mean, she is only 17 now ...) if things continue on like this ...

[HarryPotter]

Well normally Id say if she loves him its her decision to stay with him and continue being treated like crap. But if she doesnt even love him then maybe she likes to be treated bad...some people do you know as hard as it is to believe. But really isnt a relationship about love. If you have to change a bit to be more compatable then fair enough but if you have to change to accept bullshit from someone no way, thats not right and not a normal vision of a loving relationship. Fair eough not everyone has a true love filled relationship but at least like them. If you dont even like them then you are just a moron for being with them. I am not saying your freind is a moron but It really makes no sense. I agree Kolbert Id rather be alone than with someone for the sake of it, if your only with someone for fear of being alone then get some self esteem, easier said than done but relationships like this lead to kids, then marriage, then divorce, then messed up kids. Hahaha okay I got carried away.

[Kolbertt]

Jaja, not really - it was one of the main fears I had when I started seeing the way things went.

Harry Potter, no offense, in fact she is being an idiot. And every time I see her, things get on even more stupid (he even plans on getting couple therapy...) but it's like many persons here have said, she does indeed not love him, but needs him. He arrived in a time where she was especially vulnerable and ended up filling a place in her life.

As a friend, I cannot but help feeling she is wasting her life, but as many have pointed, it's her life, and I can do nothing but help her when she herself has such a low self-esteem.

[moonflowers]

@ Kolbertt - Sometimes people hang on to relationships that are clearly going nowhere out of fear of change. It hurts to break up, so hanging on to a relationship that isn't *horrible* is the safer option. (You know, sticking to known evils, instead of venturing into an uncertain future.)

It doesn't mean it will stay that way, though. At some point, things will come to a head, the relationship will become so painful that breaking up and quitting for once and for all will begin to look good, and, as I've sadly discovered, only then will she be compelled to make a real decision to stay or to go. Relationships go deeply into to our cores and our sense of self, so unless it really hurts too much to stay, no one wants to leave a relationship once it's sunk in deep.

The boyfriend sounds quite possessive, trying to assimilate her into his family and marry her already. This might be a case of codependency - if she doesn't know what codependency is, do let her know sooner rather than later. In a codependent relationship, people give up their own identities to become what the other person "needs" them to be, and usually end up doing a lot for the other person even if the other is perfectly capable of doing those things on their own. The more she changes to become what he wants, the more she will lose herself, and that will only make her unhappy even though her intent is to make *him* happy. The end result isn't pretty - resentment, abuse, and just unhappiness all around.