Coming out of the closet

[mitzibe]

Okay I have a question for you guys to talk about because this has been on my mind you know. My best buddy for years came out of the closet about 3 weeks ago. I have known him since Grade 6 and he dated girls in high school however I have always felt this inclination that he was gay or something but he never want to admit it before. Since he dated girls so I just did not think it was possible and don't talk or think about it too much. Then about 3 weeks ago he just told his parents and I learned it from my dad (our parents are pretty close) so I just sort of feel weird about it now. I was wondering, you know, if he had a crush on me before but I felt it was not very appropriate. A bit scared to be honest but I do treat him as a friend maybe just a bit curious. I am not scared of gays but when you know someone for that long and suddenly the truth comes down you just want to know what can you do, you know.

So what you guys think about coming out of the closet and anyone has their experience can post. I am beginning to suspect my younger brother is crushing on my gay buddy but I don't know if my parents can handle it as good as my buddy's parents did.

Anyone who wants to come out of the closet can post here too.

[speedphantom]

Hmm, well there's nothing you can really do if he did/does have a crush on you. Just continue being his friend and being supportive is all I guess.

Off-topic: The women being submissive in your sig, is that Noitora's point of view or yours or both? It just seems like you support such views if you have it there in caps ><

[negativzero]

well, personally i don't think your friend has come out of the closet really yet. he seems really more of confused at this point and perhaps thats why he hasn't told you yet, even tho you guys are best buddies, cus he doesn't seem like he want to send you the wrong message.
you could talk to him about it for a bit and try to 'dig' up information from him. or if you're daring enough, try asking him if he really is gay, that'll clear up your suspicions.

[Agmaster]

Coming out seems like it wouldn't be that troublesome. Of course, I have the persona for it. Unfortunately, being immaculately clean and in shape most of the time is far too much work.

[Ulquiorra]

err well i had like 3 good buddies that were all gay that all crushed on me

not much you can do about it except take the occasional-get-hit-on and just try to be their friend as best you can ^_^

[HarryPotter]

Its so funny how your freind confides to you something that probablly scares the hell out of him more to tell you than how you feel now...everyone always is like suddenly omg they might like me, cross that bridge when you come to it...if he even likes you that is. If he does like you so what, he surely knows you well enough to know youre not into that so if he is a true freind he wont make you feel uncomfortable. Give the dewd a break it must be a hard thing to tell your freinds especially if you have been so close for so long. I have had one freind think he was gay but was unsure, i didnt just presume he liked me cos iam male. I tried to tell him to just be true to himself and not worry what people think. Just be supportive to your freind. If he doesnt respect your wishes different story.

[Riekie]

perhaps more suitable in the Debate section..moved it there.

[Agmaster]

Sidenote; I've had gay friends that vehemently denied it. When they came out they seemed way more relaxed. So, if you really care...just make out with them once and do it really badly, so they will have reached for their dream but saw it wasn't worth it.

[Rain]

mitzibe- well, your friend has always been gay, he's no different now than he was before he "came out", and if you guys are really friends then this won't make a big difference if your friendship

[Primera Espada]

My friend's dad said "So What?" XD

I dunno though, I pretty much had to be sure I wasn't AT ALL my gay friends type in order to be friends with him. He's a great friend though.

[HELLA PINOY]

I know a couple of gay guys. I'm pretty much ok with the subject as a whole(especially lesbians ;) lol)...as long as the dudes don't hit on me, haha >_<

One thing I really kinda found interesting. You hardly ever see a gay fat guy. All the ones you see out and about got the washboard abs and the whole nine yards...so..........honestly how strong do you gotta be to f**k a dude!?!? XDDD

[mitzibe]

Thanks for the replies. Why has this been moved to debates? :confused:

Btw anyone wants to come out of the closet? :D

[Who]

Its a tough question for me to answer. The one gay friend I had turned out to be an asshole, though then again my longtime childhood friend and neighbor came out of the closet a year ago. It didn't really change anything between us, we still talk and such.

[Sidonzo]

I was never in the closet (openly bi). :P Oh and most girls seem to take way better when they find out one of their female friends have a crush on them than guys do. They tend to be flattered instead of disturbed...you might want to take a page from that one, mitzibe. ;)

~Sid

[Kolbertt]

I'm fine being the way I am. I do not really think a sexual preference should be a hindrance in a friendship - my best friend, for example is Bi-sexual - WTF i'm Bi as well so I guess it does not really count -P

It's kinda shallow to stop a relationship, be it friendship or just casual accountants when you know about their sexuality, so if he really was your friend, do not think of him as "the gay dude" but as your friend.

Many people have that problem, they know that if they reveal themselves, they'll be pointed at and probably discriminated against by the very people they once called friends. So, if it's true your friend came out of the closet, do what a real friend would do and be supportive

[mitzibe]

How do you guys find out if you're bi? Obviously if you're a chick and got attracted to guys, what makes you so sure that the attraction you have for another chick is also romance-based? I don't know if my brother is just gay or bi. If he can find a chick we can hide it from our folks forever.

[Rain]

mitzibe- I don't think that someone just magically wakes up one morning and says, hey i think I might be bi or gay. People can know if they are or aren't, and if you want to know if you bro is, then just ask him

[Sergelia]

what makes you so sure that the attraction you have for another chick is also romance-based?

Err, how do you know if you're attracted to anyone, really? I imagine it's the same regardless of their gender, jeez. xD

Anyhow. If a friend/relative/whatever of mine 'came out of the closet', I'd accept him/her the way they are; I certainly don't hang out with people based just on their sexual preferences, so I wouldn't ditch them for that reason, either. I mean, we make friends with straight people of the opposite sex all the time without being uncomfortable, so, why would it be any different with gay people of our own gender? :/ It makes no sense, unless someone's homophobic, which is a different matter altogether.

But Mitzibe, err... Supposing you're right and your bro IS crushing on your gay pal - even if he's bi and finds a girlfriend, don't you think that hiding from your folks is pushing the problem under the carpet, rather than solving it? Either way I doubt you'll be able to hide it forever, and while I see why someone would want it to remain unknown, I don't think it's really healthy to suppress one's nature... well, that's just the way I see it, anyway. ^__^

[Lady Scaper]

Well I say stay the guys friend. I have friends who were childhood freinds who have come out to me and it has not changed the relationship. I'd be a pretty terrible person to dump a friend for years just because they were gay.It dosen't really change the friendship. Also I sort of don't understand when a guy comes out of the closet that all of sudden his guy friends are wondering if he had a crush on them. I mean if you hang with girls do you wonder if they all secretly have crushes on you? It's the same sort of thing. Also a for some reason finding a het guy who can handle being hit on by a gay guy seems attractive to me for some reason. I dunno why. Maybe since it's a sign he's secure in his own sexuality? I mean being gay isn't contagious.

[Sidonzo]

How do you guys find out if you're bi? Obviously if you're a chick and got attracted to guys, what makes you so sure that the attraction you have for another chick is also romance-based?

You know what it feels like to be sexually turned on by someone (in your case a girl)? Well if you are bi you get sexually turned on by people of both genders. That's how you know. ;)

~Sid

[Primera Espada]

I'd like to point out that you can't really blame someone for not wanting to be around gay people if that person feels that sexual preference is a preference, i.e. choice, cause they feel you make bad choices. I mean, I don't wanna hang around a bunch of emo kids cause I don't like the things emo kids do XD.

Since it's still a debate on if homosexuality is something you're born with, or something you chose (though, studies show that a small percentage could be born with it, while a large percentage it's choice, meaning both happen) you're going to have people reacting differently.

If someone *doesn't* want to be your friend because you're gay, you have to respect that. Otherwise, asking them to respect you being gay is sort of hypocritical, yah?

[Hiraeth]

Personally I don't believe you choose to be straight/gay/bi. You can't help who you're attracted to, what you can do is choose whether or not to act on that attraction.

That said, Threadstarter if this guy is a real friend, then he should know that you're straight, and he should respect that. He should understand that even if he was attracted to you, you won't reciprocate, and therefore why would he do anything that could potentially ruin your friendship? You need to trust him to act appropriately, if you can’t then why are you friends with him in the first place?

[tari101190]

My friend's dad said "So What?" XD
easily the best dad ever!


Personally I don't believe you choose to be straight/gay/bi. You can't help who you're attracted to, what you can do is choose whether or not to act on that attraction.

u can't stress how true this is! its not like u wake up saying -
"ok i wanna be gay now! even though i no i will be rejected by ppl and discriminated against!"
nobody choses to be gay. but the best ppl are not only ppl who are REALLY ok with others being gay, its the ppl who are gay are REALLY are ok with i themselves, in all ways u can interpret what it means to be 'REALLY ok with it'. and the best parents/friends would be the type of ones who would say "so what?".

anyway...mitzibe, u shouldn't even worry about it at all...imo you seem like a good friend anyway. i dsnt seem like you wanna stop being friends with the guy. ur just afraid he has a crush on u lol. thats nothin major...wat wud u do if it was a straight girl instead who wa that friend of urs? erm...one ur not atracted to though i guess. just do the exact same thing.

[Primera Espada]

you can't say nobody choses to be gay, I know for a fact there are people who chose to be gay. My friend chose to be gay for awhile, until he realized it just wasn't working for him, and while he had no problems with the homosexual activities, a female partner (albeit one with a effeminate masculine side) suited him much more. He's married now.

So was he never gay? Was he always just bi? For awhile he wouldn't date women at ALL, he dated men exclusively.

So yah, some people do decide to be gay. Or perhaps they decide that they are gay, and may change their minds at a later point. That's because not all people that are gay are gay for the same reasons, and one shouldn't assume they all go through the same things.

[tari101190]

well im nnot gonna say your wrong...obviously your notwrong.

but i'm gonna saythis too though -
wen i say u dnt chose to be i dnt mean'being gay', i meanbeing attracted to the same sex i guess.

like that friend of urs either was attracted to both and then wanted to try out with guys. or wan't attracted to guys and just wanted to try it out.

in the first case he would be naturally attracted to guys...you can't chose to do that or not. but he chose to act on it so he chose to be gay, but not be attracted to guys if u no wat i mean...

the second case wolud be he's not atracted to guys but is trying out guys. and would either not like it (ot atleast not as much), or woud start to like guys...going into the first point above...

or magical third point he was always attracted to both (maybe not equal amounts though)...but this leads too point 1 again too.

so u hav to chose to be openly gay, but u dnt initially chose who to be attracted to. from that then u chose to be gay or not. i just wrote the wrong term i guess.

[Primera Espada]

well, a common school of thought is that there is no part of the brain that says "I'm attracted to females" it instead says "I'm attracted to curvy bodytypes, high pitched voices, long hair, nurturing types" and the opposite for men.

Therefore, if you have more of those little switches flipped to be attracted to traits commonly found in women, you're straight, (well, assuming you are a guy) if you have more of them found in men, you're gay, and if you have about the same, you're bi. The fact that right brained people tend to go for left brained people somewhat supports this theory (since men tend to be left brained, or analytical and women tend to be right brained, or intuitive). Since a small percentage (15% or so) of men have the opposite brain domincance as the rest (making them right brained, intuitive) they would tend to have a few more of those "attracted to traits typically found in men" switches than normal.

However, I don't really care to debate the science of it all, I'm just saying that because the science of it all is still a topic for debate, and since (no matter how much people may disagree with it) some people still consider sexuality a PREFERENCE, you have to be considerate of those things.

It's a lot easier to be okay with how someone is born than being okay with a choice they make. If they don't think the scientific theories (as they are not proven yet) are not strong enough to change their minds, you have to give them some credit.

Me personally, I think that being gay is something your born with. Sadly, there are a LOT of people who get confused along the way =/ There's plenty of people who do in fact choose to be gay, and it's sad, because a lot of them don't even realize it because it's some reaction to years of psychological issues.

Actually, there's a guy who wrote a book because he was gay for 20 years, and then eventually realized that he wasn't, and that he just had deep rooted daddy issues, and now he goes on to help others who were similarly misguided.

I'll admit, he's kinda creepy though XD

[tari101190]

whoa, that brain info is very interseting imo...it makes sense i guess.

i know what ppl mean wen they say 'you are born gay', andi lkinda agree with that, but there has to be more to it than that. like those brain things.

i think taking into account the brain stuff, your natural desires/feeling you develop asap, your environment and pshychological stuff...that will all detemine whether your gay or not.

maybe depending on those factors which determine whhat stage in life you realize your sexuality...like from a smallchild to a 30 year old man...altough the 30 yar old sould have had the 'gay mind', just didn't realize. i doubt you can just turn in the opposite direction to what u are that easily lol. sue you can conciously chose to try another sexuality, but your sub-concious or watea is probably what determines wat ur attracted to.

example
a straight man experimenting with other men could begin to be attracted to men, the sub-concious decision, not just be experimenting, which is the concious decision.